“You are dead weight.”
“You only enjoy this lifestyle because of me, nothing you have done.”
“I married someone who wasn’t a good mother or with her career.”
In emotionally abusive relationships, it is common to hear demeaning and belittling comments from a partner, comments that cut deeply and erode self-esteem over time. These words can create a painful narrative, one that convinces the person that they are unworthy or not good enough. The emotional abuse may go beyond words, subtly shaping how the person views themselves, their contributions, and their value in the relationship.
For individuals who have experienced complex trauma, this kind of treatment often feels familiar. The effects of trauma—whether from childhood or other past experiences—can make it difficult to recognize the abuse for what it is. Instead, the person may accept it, believing they deserve it or that this is simply how relationships are. Complex trauma teaches individuals to internalize negative messages, and the emotional abuse reinforces this conditioning, leading to a cycle of self-doubt and worthlessness.
The damage is not just to self-esteem. When these harmful dynamics become the norm, it shapes how one approaches life, love, and relationships. The emotional weight of being consistently devalued can make it hard to leave, even when the abuse is evident. Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior is often witnessed by children, who learn about relationships from what they see and experience at home. Over time, they may internalize these unhealthy dynamics, continuing the cycle of trauma into the next generation.
If this resonates with you at all, please do not believe the words that you hear. You have to give yourself the love you never had—love that will care for you, nurture you, and protect you. You must introduce a new, self-compassionate voice that sees all that you do, recognizes how hard you try, and acknowledges the efforts you make every day to overcome the trauma you may have experienced, both growing up and in your current relationship. This voice must remind you that you are good enough and that you deserve to be in a relationship built on mutual respect and love. No human being deserves to be treated this way.
Worst of all, when children witness this kind of behavior, it shapes how they view relationships and teaches them what to accept from others. This cycle of intergenerational trauma has to be broken, and it starts with you. I know it’s hard, but you’ve already overcome so much—more than anyone should. Though making these changes may feel overwhelming, they are a necessary step toward creating a more peaceful, healthy life for both you and your children.