Perfectionism

One thing that often stalls my actions in starting new projects is perfectionism. Perfectionism is the tendency to set excessively high standards for oneself and to believe that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. In my mind, everything has to be perfect before I can begin, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be true. Life is a learning process, and there’s no way to prepare 100% before starting because there is always something to learn along the way.

There is a strong relationship between perfectionism and complex trauma. Complex trauma refers to the exposure to multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive and interpersonal nature, and the wide-ranging, long-term impact of this exposure. During childhood, one of our primary needs is to feel seen and valued for who we are and what we do. This contributes to our sense of self-esteem and belief in our abilities. We need to know that we are good at the things that matter to us, as this builds our belief in ourselves and motivates us to pursue our goals. Confidence in our skills and resources can enhance our motivation to approach goals, and having self-efficacy—the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations—can have a cascading positive impact throughout life.

Attachment, the emotional bond between an individual and their caregiver, plays a crucial role in providing safety and nurturance. Human brain development occurs as we explore the world, starting with toys in our environment and eventually leading to pursuing dreams in new places. Exploration requires bravery and is supported by knowing that a loving caregiver is available when we encounter something scary or new that feels unmanageable alone. In those moments, we turn to our protector, someone we can rely on to soothe us, wipe our tears, guide us, and remind us that we have what it takes to overcome challenges. Having this kind of support is transformative, making the seemingly impossible achievable.

For many, this support seems basic, routinely provided by a parent or spouse. However, individuals with complex trauma often experience not only abuse or neglect from caregivers but also a lack of experiences that build safety, nurturance, and self-efficacy. Childhood patterns often repeat in adulthood. Those without a caregiver to turn to during distress may find themselves similarly unsupported as adults. As we discussed last time, much of our understanding of relationships is learned through childhood experiences, impacting our internal working models—our understanding of ourselves, others, and the world. If a person never experienced safety and encouragement growing up, how would they know how to create or maintain such relationships in adulthood, where relationships are bidirectional and require personal responsibility?

It stands to reason that individuals with complex trauma, who were deprived of someone to affirm their worth and potential, would lack self-efficacy. Approaching tasks without confidence in their abilities may lead them to overprepare and still never feel ready. Ironically, these individuals often have had to manage independently, learning and exploring alone without a safety net. Additionally, their trauma experience means their bodies and minds are constantly on alert for danger. If their caregivers were unsafe, what can be expected of others?

Therefore, individuals with complex trauma navigate the world alone, without support, constantly scanning for danger. Their journey is not easy, yet they persevere, fighting a challenging battle alone. If you resonate with this, know that you are stronger and more capable than anyone should have to be. You have overcome so much, and your talents and skills are immense. Though you may strive for perfection, remember that you are already incredible. Perhaps you never had someone to tell you how wonderful you are, or you heard voices telling you that you weren’t good enough. It’s understandable that these external voices became internalized. But know that you are enough, just as you are.

Despite the obstacles perfectionism presents, it can also be a gift. It shows how much you care about the things you undertake. It is a testament to your dedication and effort, illustrating your deep investment in achieving the highest standards in all aspects of life. By recognizing the positive aspects of perfectionism, you can harness it as a force for growth and achievement. Embracing the desire to do your best while allowing room for learning and mistakes can transform perfectionism into a powerful motivator. By balancing high standards with self-compassion, perfectionism can become a strength that drives you to succeed and grow.