I was recently watching a series about a child who commits a crime. As the story unfolds, we learn about his past—one filled with bullying and intergenerational trauma. But what stood out most to me was the father’s journey.
The father, like many, did the best he could. He had promised himself that he would never repeat the worst behaviors he had endured as a child. And in many ways, he kept that promise. His children’s lives were better than his own had been, and he believed that meant he was breaking the cycle. Yet, intergenerational trauma is powerful—it doesn’t always manifest in obvious ways.
Sometimes, the patterns we inherit seep through in subtle, normalized behaviors—the tone of our voice, the way we handle stress, the way we respond to emotions in others. These behaviors don’t stand out as harmful because, to us, they have always been "normal." The way we interact with others is shaped by schemas—internalized patterns and expectations that tell us what relationships look like, how we should treat others, and how others will treat us.
When we grow up in environments filled with anger, chaos, or emotional neglect, those dynamics become embedded in our internal working models of relationships. Even when we try to do better, we may unknowingly pass down patterns of disconnection, fear, or control. These patterns resist change because they shape the very foundation of how we see the world.
In the father’s case, by the time he recognized the impact of these patterns, it was too late to change his son’s fate. His child would now have to live with the consequences of his actions.
But if you are reading this and see yourself in this story, it is not too late for you.
Now that you recognize the impact of your behaviors, you have the power to break the cycle—not just for your children, but for yourself. Healing begins with awareness, self-compassion, and intentional change. The past may have shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define your future.
There is hope. There is time. And you are capable of rewriting the story.